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What You Need To Fundamentally Know About Attachment Styles

A lot of people have heard of attachment styles – but what do they actually mean?

Attachment theory was developed by psychologist John Bowlby, who believed that we learn how to attach through our early caregiving relationships. The way those early bonds play out tends to shape the way we relate to others (and ourselves) later in life. Based on those experiences, we tend to fall into one of four main styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. I’ll run through what each of these looks like shortly.

Bowlby initially claimed that our attachment style is fixed - that once it’s formed, it doesn’t change. And to a degree, I’ve seen some truth in that. There are parts of our attachment style that feel deeply ingrained - familiar patterns we slip back into under stress. But I also believe we can absolutely move toward a more secure attachment over time. We may still get triggered, but we can learn to recognise those triggers and respond differently. Growth doesn’t always mean eliminating the pattern, but it does mean learning how to handle it with more awareness and choice.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is considered the healthiest attachment style. It forms when someone has consistently experienced emotional attunement - they’ve been supported, validated, and encouraged to explore the world while knowing they had a safe base to return to. As adults, securely attached people tend to feel comfortable with intimacy, confident in themselves, and able to regulate their emotions in relationships. They trust others, but also trust themselves.

Importantly, secure doesn’t mean perfect. And it definitely doesn’t mean arrogant - which is often just a mask for insecurity. True secure attachment is grounded and steady.

Although research estimates that around 50-60% of adults have a secure attachment style, many professionals (myself included) would argue that secure attachment feels far less common in practice. The numbers don’t always reflect the emotional reality - especially in therapeutic spaces where people are coming to work through relational wounds. Cultural factors, trauma histories, and life experiences all shape how secure we really feel.

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment develops when a child’s caregiver is inconsistent - sometimes attuned, sometimes not. This unpredictability can lead to deep uncertainty in relationships. The individual becomes hyper-attuned to others’ moods and behaviours, fearing abandonment and craving closeness.

As adults, this can show up as chronic people pleasing, a strong need for reassurance, fear of rejection, or being labelled as “needy.” Underneath it all is a deep fear of being unloved or left behind - and a belief that connection must be earned.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment tends to form when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or rejecting. The child learns to shut down emotional needs because expressing them didn’t lead to comfort - it may have even caused more distress.

As adults, avoidantly attached people often seem self-sufficient and independent, but may struggle to trust others or rely on anyone emotionally. They may pull away from relationships that start to feel “too close,” avoid vulnerability, or keep people at arm’s length to protect themselves.

It’s not that they don’t want connection - it’s that connection feels unsafe or overwhelming.

Disorganised Attachment

Disorganised attachment (sometimes called fearful-avoidant) is a mix of both anxious and avoidant styles. It often develops in response to trauma, especially when the person who is meant to be a source of safety is also a source of fear or harm. The child is left in an impossible bind - wanting closeness, but feeling unsafe when they get it.

As adults, people with a disorganised attachment style may experience intense inner conflict in relationships. They might crave connection one moment and feel panicked or shut down the next. Relationships can feel chaotic or confusing, not because they don’t care, but because their nervous system is wired to expect both danger and abandonment - often at the same time.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes - but not in the way many people hope. You won’t suddenly become a totally secure person overnight. But with awareness, reflection, and safe relationships (including therapy), it’s absolutely possible to become more secure. You can learn how to calm the anxious part of you, soften the avoidant instinct to retreat, and build a more trusting relationship with yourself and others.

You might still get triggered, because we all do. But how you respond to those triggers is how you move into a healthier attachment.